The Inauguration

We had tickets. We got up at 5am, took the metro in, disembarked into pure chaos. We were refused volunteering opportunities here because they had enough people. They did NOT have enough people. It was a cluster f**k. The two volunteers I saw didn't know anything about where we were supposed to be. Security was done by volunteers and it was a joke. They didn't even check tickets. They had us open our jackets. No wands, no bag searches, nothing. I got a better search at the Smithsonian!

We walked in. We were on Independence and Third. The crowd eventually broke down the fence into the blue and purple ticket zones... so those with better tickets weren't even admitted because as soon as the fence broke everyone ran. Of course, I found this out later. At the time I just knew I was being herded forward, lol.

We ended up right in the center of the reflection pool against the fence. Pretty cool, there was no one behind us. We still watched on the television set, though because there was some dumb tree in the way. Then we stood there by the ice pool and FROZE for hours. The crowd was so dense they were holding me up. It was miserable. I got all mad when they kept introducing more people I didn't know like inaugural committee people.. they took forever to get started!!!

When it was finally Obama's turn they turned the speakers up so loud that you could barely make out his words. I had no idea he fumbled the swearing in like that until later... I was also distracted because I was starving and tired and COLD AS HELL. I just wanted to see Obama and leave.

When Obama was through speaking we started fighting through the crowd listening to that ridiculous poem (wtf?) Once we got moving a little we started noticing that we were enclosed EVERYWHERE. I guess they partitioned more roads for the parade while we were in the mall area. We were trapped with all these other people. Eventually people started tearing down fences and trampling plants. I was worried for a while that this was not normal and it would start the Presidency off in a negative light. But I guess it is normal since no one really reported on it.

Washington D.C. is a beautiful city and it was trashed in those few hours. There was garbage everywhere. People were wandering the streets. Someone actually got shoved onto the metro tracks and they shut down the only working train available because of it. Every unlocked building was full of people. Sleeping, waiting in line... or just standing.

We waited in line to try and get some food in a cafe for about an hour, same with bathroom lines in both Starbucks and the cafe. None of the lines moved. I feel asleep like a homeless person on the street for a while. Our cell phones did not work to call out, only receive a text occasionally. Everyone was texting me about how awesome everything must be, when really it felt like I was in some kind of disaster.

Then we put on our big girl panties and decided to walk home. To Maryland. LOL. The walk... I think it was the most bizzare experience of my life. It was like Armageddon or something. There were people on all sides of the roads. MASSES of them. Fire trucks and ambulances would come through wailing and have to slow down while people walked in front of them and stuff. The garbage piled up was amazing- it reminded me of an abandoned city. There were several MP's on each corner. (of course most of them had no idea how to direct the crowd, but I guess it added ambiance?) crazy! All the people, kind of reminded me of one of those zombie movies.

Eventually we found an open metro station and made it home. It took us 5 hours to escape D.C. We could have gotten ball tickets, but really glad we didn't because I wouldn't want to do it all over again with a ball gown on instead of long underwear.

And to whomever said it wasn't that cold, IT WAS TWELVE!!! Ridiculously cold with the wind blowing in your face constantly. My feet were numb and I was wearing North Face boots! We were physically shivering mostly through the ceremony and that was WITH a ton of layers on. It's no joke, I am so happy to go back to Vegas where "cold" is 65!

Meanwhile, I was so physically uncomfortable that I didn't really listen to the speech. I was too far back to see it up close anyway, so I saw it mostly on the tv. And by the time I had been waiting that long I could barely concentrate on anything but my physical discomfort.

So I will say this... I am glad I did it. But I would never do it again. 12 hours of misery is way too much to endure for that one 20 minute speech that I could not concentrate on.

I get the sense that the television experience was much more fulfilling.

But what did make it worthwhile is when they announce President Bush and EVERYONE from my area to Lincoln Memorial BOOed him. That was worth the whole trip! I felt such solidarity with my fellow man at that moment.

I am so glad we have a new President!

You can Never Leave

Yep. We are descended into crazy. Right in time for inauguration!!!



Thousands of people have descended upon the town. The metro brings new meaning to the word rat race. I have never been in such large crowds.

There will be no cell service.

The streets are closed to traffic.

The metro is unreliable.

You cannot bring anything in.

You cannot get out.

It's like Obama-Woodstock.

I'm a little scared.

The best part is, my responsible and on-time room is getting a little tired of being all on time and stuff just so we can stand in the cold and wait for assholes. And we are getting up at 4 in the morning because we want the badass big kid seats for this! And if I am getting up that early, I am not waiting for some chick to do her makeup and get a shitty seat even though I was on time.

Hello? ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY here.

So we confronted the teacher about this and he accused us of trying to start a "rebellion" over it. Even though we wouldn't because two of us need his class this semester for graduation and all. But its still funny, huh?

New York: crappiest place on Earth

New York is a cesspool. It smells like pee. It's unbelievably cold and I hated almost every moment of it. It was crowded and the people were seriously dicks. This city makes Baltimore look like fucking Emerald City. Someone buy me a shirt that says I hate New York.

We started at the Statue of Liberty. We were only there for a few minutes, but lame. I took a picture. wee.


You can't see my face in this because its covered. It's covered because it was like the coldest day in history or something according the the media. Whatever. I took a picture I bought a $16 bagel. It was so fantastic I wished I was dead.

Then we went to Ellis Island. It was a little cool I guess, but it would have been better if I hadn't been frozen. I could have literally seen Jesus in New York and I would not have remembered or really cared because I was so miserable.



My relatives and my husbands came through Ellis, though so it was pretty fun to see that they too had been discriminated against by all the Europeans who stole this land from the Native Americans!

Then we walked to the former WTC. It looked like this:

There were cranes. And barriers. We don't have those in Vegas. So as you can imagine, I was pretty impressed. Seriously? It looks like they are building a new casino. Whatever.

We walked to Little Italy. It smelled like fish. We ate lunch and then got dumped on the streets of New York where I was forced to either see a Broadway Show or wander the streets all night alone in the cold. The ticket cost me $130 - I saw Wicked. Luckily it was a good show and it made the whole trip redeemable. But I would have been mad if it sucked. There was this dragon thinggy in the lobby:


We got in the van to drive home at about midnight and didn't get back until 4am or something. It was stupid and dangerous. We slept the rest of the day afterward which is obviously super productive.

I hope I never see New York again. In the subway, the doors closed on me. Everything there is filthy and everyone was rude as fuck. I couldn't believe it. I lost my subway pass so I had to buy another. I was left with a card that had money on it that I was not going to use. I tried to give it away. No luck. People don't acknowledge your presence if you try to speak to them. They act like they can't hear you, or they just yell at you. It's like the city of invisibility. I've never had such a fucking hard time giving away free goddamn money. Ridiculous. Everyone in D.C. talks to you, and in Vegas people occasionally hug you. New York? They wouldn't spit on you if you caught fire. Fuck New York!

If I had to spend any amount of time in New York I would seriously contemplate fucking suicide. Worst City on the Planet, really. Worse than Baltimore.

Oh and my friends, don't be surprised when I get back because I'm losing so much weight between the starvation and the death marching that I'm pretty much going to look like I was just released from a concentration camp. So thats fun.

West Philadelphia, Born and Raised

So today we went to Philly and then to New York because we are trying to see everything. I was kind of sad to leave D.C. Also, it hurt to get up at 5am but I got some good sleep in the van so it was cool.

I didn't take many photos today because they were kind of forbidden/ hard to take. We went to Constitution Hall first. I thought it was a lot of cheezy America Propaganda. (Also, the Constitution isn't even in there.) Learned about the history of our nation. AGAIN. I honestly wasn't impressed with much, and I was unable to take photo's, so I basically blocked it out because I'm completely delirious.

I thought the new exhibit called America I am was really neat, though. They had a clan uniform, Malcom X's journal and some MLK items. I just took a minority studies class last semester so it was neat to see some stuff. It was pretty annoying to get trampled by all the first graders, though. Why do a bunch of kids always smell like wet dog? Whats up with that?

I think I am just overwhelmed with Patriot cheezery at this point. Too much to be impressed by the mere founding of our Nation. Especially since I am now very sensitive when they gloss over slavery and ignore the Native American's like its all unimportant. They never even talk about how we stole Hawaii. If its not a big deal then why does everyone act like it never happened?

We saw the liberty bell. The inside of the building smelled like pee. Not trying to be an a-hole or anything, but seriously? It's the friggin liberty bell! Do you think we could put it in a building that maybe DOES NOT smell like pee?

Whatever.

I was actually more overwhelmed by Independence Hall than I thought I would be. I was in the very room where the Declaration of Independence was penned! It was a little overwhelming. George Washington sat in the chair in the front. I mean, he actually sat in that very chair. It's not a reproduction of the chair. It is THE ACTUAL CHAIR.


Amazing! I am in awe. We didn't spend much time there and I will probably never have the opportunity again, but it was really neat just to be there.


As you can see, I am being lazy tonight. We spent all day driving. There was also a car accident, thankfully everyone is okay. But it was just a long day. It snowed. Tonight we are in Jersey. The group went to Times Square. Maybe since I am a year older I'm too old for this? But I just need down time. All this museum stuff is a lot to take in.



But here is an interesting tidbit. Washington D.C. has 2 of each road. There are 2 "A Streets," 2 "7th Streets," etc. This is why no matter who you ask how to get somewhere, they always give you contrary directions. Until you learn this, you are totally lost all the time.

However, in Philly, or at least the downtown part, each street has 2 names. WEIRD! Then if you don't run red lights they try to massacre you. Strange place.

We also hit a Philly Cheesesteak place today. I got the "meatless" and it wasn't bad, actually. But I was informed that this doesn't count. So I will go to my grave without ever really experiencing Philadelphia. Hm. Well I guess thats what happens when you put your city in Pennsylvania.

The D.C. Squirrel Obesity Problem

Yay, its January 14 and you know what that means? It's my birthday.

Our death march through D.C. continues with seemingly no end in site. We go for 14 hours a day. I am starving. Exhausted. Cold. Oh God, SO COLD. But I love D.C. LOVE IT. I want to marry it. I am gay for Washington D.C.

We started the day taking the Metro. For some reason it was much more ridiculously crowded than usual? Lets just say I know how a cow feels being herded. It really is getting exhausted being a member of a heard. Especially when certain herd members spend too much time doing their makeup or whatever and we have to wait for the jerks. But anyway, the metro was so crowded that when our herd got off, we didn't notice. Because we just got some seats so we were all "YES! We get to sit!" Then we noticed the group was gone and had to backtrack.

We eventually arrived at the Engraving & Printing place where everyone was waiting for us with the same annoyance as we wait for people doing their makeup. So we saw a box with a million dollars in it. And we watched them print probably more money than I ever hope to see again.

On the upside, I found out that I am about a million and a half dollars tall.


So it was alright, I guess. I don't think I'd be able to handle working there.

After that we went to meet with Congressmen from the State of Nevada. (Cuz thats our state.) First we met the guy who represents that part of Nevada we never go: North. And when I say North I really mean it because he represents everything in Nevada outside Las Vegas. You know, the lame part where they want to dump all the nuclear waste? Yeah. He is a Republican.

He was a very excellent communicator but he made me feel creepy because he made eye contact a lot like he took to many communication classes. It came off fake to me. But he did nothing offensive so I guess I forgive him. Especially since he doesn't represent me.

After that we went to the cafeteria of the House Offices and had a lovely $17 lunch. I wondered looking for a bathroom and got a little lost so I got to see the aides and various helpers at work. And in the bathroom. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around D.C. and all the things that go on here. It's an unbelievable feeling.

Once I wondered back we had a meeting with Dina Titus, our newly elected (democrat) Congresswoman. I was a little apprehensive because she has a powerful accent and its a little irritating. Her political ads have been on TV throughout election season and they didn't make her seem all that likeable. She came off as annoying. But I still voted for her. I won't lie.

She was late meeting with us because she was called to vote on the sCHIP Bill. I am a huge fan of Children's Health Care since I have a sick child who needs it. So I forgave her. And I was happy to learn they are trying to push it through again.

In the meantime I talked with one of her aids and she told us about what she does in Titus's office and what it is like to live and work in D.C. She was very nice and excited, its a brand new office. Once Congresswoman Titus arrived I was actually very impressed with how real she was. Her speaking didn't seem rehearsed and I didn't feel like I was getting generic talking points. I was more impressed with her than I was with Senator Reid and feel very excited that she is representing me in the new Congress. I may even volunteer to work in her Vegas office, I was so impressed and satisfied with her. The excitement level was invigorating.

Although, she said she would post photos on her website and they still aren't there but I am just an impatient person in general and I am an ungrateful whiner so I think I will probably give her another chance.

After that we had little time to walk to our following engagement, the Washington Monument. We got there and we had tickets, but the elevator broke so we didn't go in. But here is a photo of me standing in front of it. And thats almost as good because I am ADORABLE.

From our vantage point we saw the White House. So we decided to walk there because what the hell? Like we had a choice? This turned out to be a bad idea. Mostly because the map was misleading about how large the front gates actually were. We ended up in the back so I took this picture through the fence. There were also some snipers on the roof. And basically we see snipers on a regular basis. I forgot to mention that before.

Also, there happens to be a metric butt ton of squirrels in D.C. and we have been known to coax some into eating out of our hands. At Arlington we saw black squirrels. But in D.C. they are mostly white. But the ones at the White House are FAT. And the vigilant guards of the White House feed them.

There is a serious Squirrel Obesity Problem at the White House.

So we had such a lame view we decided to spend 30 minutes walking around the White House to the front so we could take a picture of ourselves. But they were busy building Baracks new basketball court or something so we actually ended up getting the lamest view ever. Here it is, don't say I didn't warn you!

While we walked back we tried to think of the lies we could tell to make our day seem more exciting. Like that we broke into the Oval Office and kicked Bush out and inaugurated President Obama ourselves without having to stand in the cold! And Barack was so happy that he let us sit in the big kid seat! This seemed like a good plan. We even gathered photographic evidence!

Then we were off once again for another adventure. Which turned out to be peeing in a classy restaurant. They had some fancy hand blow dryer in there. It was awesome! So we got distracted in the ladies room for about 20 minutes playing with it.

But then we got serious and went to the American History Museum at the Smithsonian. By this time we were a little retarded. And our feet hurt a lot. And honestly? We just wanted to be warm. And I know the museum is full of culture and junk. But C3PO was there, dammit!



And they had some first lady dresses and some feminist stuff. This was basically my mantra, it was posted next to a bunch of birth control.

NO GODS, NO MASTERS!

But what made the museum all worthwhile, the same as the Newseum, was Stephen Colbert. Of course. This is the most fantastic photo I have taken the entire trip. This is what has made the sleep deprivation and bathroom sharing and van rides in the middle seat all worth it. It was posted by the bathroom, the Colbert Portrait!

Be jealous of all this awesome. I will probably make a portrait of the photo of me next to this portrait. No Gods, No Masters. Except for Stephen.

J.T. told me that he tore apart D.C. looking for this National Treasure and did an all out search for it. Later we went home and watched Stephen Colbert reruns on Youtube. It is pretty awesome to be surrounded by those who worship as I do.

And Nicci, I am sorry I have blasphemed at the Smithsonian. I know you are incredibly disappointed at my complete and blatant lack of classy-ness. I didn't even see the Hope Diamond and I skipped the War display and I didn't read anything the entire time I was there. I am decidedly uncultured. I essentially just went so I could buy a postcard to send my mom to show her I was being educated. But I can't help my instincts. I am a geeky Colbert Geek. And I am content in my geekiness.

And you are going to forgive me, because it was the HIGHLIGHT OF MY BIRTHDAY! And I had Pineapple-tini's, so thats pretty freaking good!

Assasin or Swat? We shot 15 times anyway.

So, today we did the Newseum. I never heard of it, but its a testament to free speech. It also kind of gives you a background story on how the media ruined America by showing how it once had integrity and everything.

Oh yeah, and the uni-bombers Montana cabin was there and stuff. See, I like stuff. I like to go to museums and see stuff. The Newseum has a lot of stuff you have to read, which is not as cool. But I gave it a chance when I came across a momento from one of the most trusted reporters on television.



If you take a look at the "On Notice" Board from the Colbert Report you will probably notice that the Newseum is on it. I guess Stephen Colbert also dedicated the museum with Nancy Pelosi. I bet he put them on notice because there was so much reading.

No one likes that. But I liked this:



If I was a newspaper editor, this is the kind of newspaper editor I would be.

It's a huge place and it only takes three hours to get through it if you don't read everything. Try reading stuff and you will be there for days. And while we were there they inexplicably shut down the street and tons of cops and snipers showed up. I guess Barack Obama's headquarters was right down the street. So I took this fake photo of myself with him. He was pretty nice.



The best part was trying out our awesome broadcast journalism skills. And by that I mean that I am the worst journalist ever, second only to my roommate who forgot her name. If you don't believe me you should go watch the video.

Here it is. Try not to put that on youtube.

Oh also, we stood infront of some Berlin Wall for a bit:



Does anyone else think its weird that a bunch of the graffiti is in English or am I just uneducated about the language spoken in Berlin? Also, compared to American graffiti I would say this is pretty snazzy.

Then my small group spilled back out into the cold streets in search of some food as we are all constantly starving. As we were "exploring" (or if you want to be less politically correct I guess you could also say "aimlessly wandering") we stumbled on the Crime & Punishment Museum. We were pretty annoyed that it cost $20 but we paid it.

And it was worth it! We got booked. We did a line up, escaped from jail, cracked a safe, got finger printed, did an autopsy. We saw tons of murderabelia and read about crimes and serial killers. Las Vegas even had a place there. Here is me in the line up.



Don't worry, the witness didn't pick me. He picked another heathen from my group. So that was a relief.



This is "Old Smokey". Over one hundred people in Tennessee were actually executed in this chair. It was creepy. They also had a gas chamber. They were all included in the TORTURE DEVICE EXHIBIT along with the Wheel and pictures of a Horse Quartering.

After we were through being criminals we were allowed to join the Police Force. We investigated a crime scene and did a SWAT scenario with guns. (Hint: at the end we killed the dude.) Furthermore we did a simulated high speed police chase and an autopsy. It was basically the best effing museum ever, okay?



So here is what I learned at the Museum of Crime and Punishment:

1. During a high speed police chase it is okay to run over a civilian walking her dog. However, if you run into the bad guys car the simulation ends and you immediately lose your badge.

2. When you put guns in the hands of Las Vegas kids and tell them they are cops and to shoot the suspicious guy, we will shoot him 15 times. 3 before he falls and then 12 more after he is down. You know, just to be sure.

3. When we shoot the bad guy 15 times, no one says anything or finds that weird in any way.

4. The Electric Chair: just a standard, run of the mill medieval torture device.

5. Crime is more glamorous than being a cop.

After all that we visited the famed local Walmart. I'm told that Abe Lincoln picked up a pair of ear muffs there on his way to Gettysberg.

The Muffins are tearing us apart!

So this morning I got all dressed up and headed to the Supreme Court to hear some oral arguments. I wore the Montana boots because there was waiting involved. Here is the Supreme Court:



We were waiting out there for quite a while. We learned two very important lessons. The first was about protesting, because there was a protester carrying a sign that said,

"Choose Life: End the Death Penalty"

But since her sign was so illegible, we all laughed and laughed for a good half hour before we realized that is what it said. It looked like it said:

"Choose Death to Poultry"

Lesson learned, when protesting, you should always write clearly and legibly on your sign. Plus it helps if there are more than one of you.

The other lesson. At some point, as a group we managed to acquire muffins for breakfast. After we had each eaten our obligatory muffin, we were left with many unwanted, yet savory muffins. This led to a lightning death match round of "pass the muffin" in which we all tried to not be left holding the muffin bag. In the end, two men held the muffins. We encouraged them to distribute the muffins amongst our fellow line-standers. They patently refused to do good deeds.

The argument then turned to why the women should not be forced to serve the muffins, from a feminist standpoint. There was also some sort of kitten argument at some point. But it seems that one of my classmates is obsessed with kittens. The argument continued to get louder and more heated. How would we distribute these precious resources, and to whom? It was a very difficult political question. These muffins were tearing us apart!

In the end, we followed the excellent example of our own government. We debated, argued, grandstanded and diverted attention to others. Then we passed the buck. Then we tried to delegate. In the end we did nothing, but we felt a deep sense of gratitude and accomplishment anyway. I don't know what happened to the muffins. I think we made Bryce keep them.

Then we went into the Supreme Court. After the muffin debacle we all felt quite tired. Plus, you know, it was warm in there. One Justice was sleeping. I bet if i had a lifetime appointment I would suck at my job, too. The case was about the regulation of toxic waste. The word "discharge" was used frequently and one guy kept making snarky comments.

I want my tax money back.

Then we whisked ourselves across the street to the Capitol.



We saw the tour and there is this creepy painting on the inside of the dome.



In the middle is George Washington ascending to heaven. Around him they said was Lady Liberty and some other awesome American "ladies" -- But to me they looked like seven-ish virgins. But I didn't say that out loud because I thought the CIA might tackle me.

The tour didn't get good until we were escorted into the under-belly of the building to meet Harry Reid. He was just as mild mannered in real life as he was on all the interviews I have seen. It was cool to meet him. We had our pictures taken, but we have to wait for the Senate people to send us those.

We ate lunch and were then released. Tina and I went to see the Senate. It took forever to get through security. None of the guards warned us it was going to be lame, either. So we get in there and there was not ONE Senator in the building. It was a bunch of aides and stuff just sitting around having water cooler time. It was neat to see where the Senate conducts business, though. So after about 5 minutes we were out of there!

We went to a bar. This is me and Tina in a bar. We are old enough to drink, so we felt justified. I think the bar was called the Pasty Tortilla or something like that. They had some super crappy salsa there.



Then we met a lobbyist and he taught us all about his job and gave us a copy of his bill* and his hit list of Congressmen he is going to hit up to get the bill passed. I think the first rule of being a lobbyist is remembering peoples names because he called us by them throughout the night and never forgot, not once.

But then he got into a political debate about smoking in public with one of the other bar people. It was awesome. They had an actual debate without name calling or anything. Then they shook hands. They didn't have a fight like bar-goers in Vegas. Pretty amazing.

I fully expect extra credit for that lobbying lesson, though.

*Under other circumstances I would probably think it was strange if a guy asked if I wanted to see a copy of his Bill.